Free Skit -- North vs. South

Need a short comedy skit for your next event? This little skit about what happens when you cross the Mason-Dixon Line requires only two actors and no props. Read the excerpt:

Waitress: Welcome to the Whistlin' Dixie Diner. Where y'all from?

Customer: What do you mean, all? There's only one of me.

Waitress: That's what I said: y'all. From outta town?

Customer: Yeah, I'm from Nepa (pronounced 'Nee-pa').

Waitress: Sorry, I never heard of there. Is that in Mississippi?

Customer: Nepa...it means northeast PA.

Waitress: Peeyay?

Customer: Pennsylvania.

Waitress: That's away up north, isn't it?

Customer: Yeah. Have you ever been up north?

Waitress: I shore have. I been to North Carolina. Whatch'all doin' down her in...seeky? That's southeast Kentucky. I made that up just now.

See the rest of the skit.

Getting Past Star Wars Immigration

There is a very funny skit on youtube by Foil Arms and Hog in which Darth Vader quizzes a couple of hopeful space immigrants. Because the video also contains a discussion of their comedy tour, I decided to reproduce the Star Wars questions and answers here, though you can certainly view the original video if you prefer.

And, yes, there is a mistake: Yoda does not appear in a Star Wars movie until The Empire Strikes Back. In any case, enjoy.

Name the evil empire that has taken over the galaxy.

Disney.

Name the fluffy, hairy creature that is friends with Han Solo.

George Lucas.

Where are the great lightsabers forged?

Temu.

Along with the Ewoks, what supported Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi?

A gold bikini.

What Force holds the Star Wars universe together?

CGI.

Why are my Stormtroopers so easily killed?

They brought a gun to a sword fight.

Count from one to nine in George Lucas.

4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9

Why was Rey so eagerly pursued by the First Order?

Because everyone loves a scavenger hunt.

Whose hands were destroyed in the prequels?

Darth Maul's makeup artist.

For what momentous event do the characters of The Alliance regroup?

ComicCon.

What evil in A New Hope almost destroyed the entire galaxy for good?

Yoda impressions.

Name the craft used by Harrison Ford in the movies that was notably absent in the prequels.

Acting.

When was the last decent Star Wars movie made?

A long time ago, in a studio far, far away.

How do you keep Star Wars fans happy?

You make the new movies different but also exactly the same.

Free Skit: The World's Oldest Girl Scout

Need a short comedy skit for your event? Here's one about the oldest Girl Scout in history. Let's see an excerpt:

(Scout 1 holds up rope with knot)

Leader: Not a bad half hitch.

(Scout 2 holds up rope with knot)

Leader: Very nice sheepshank.

(Myrtle holds up knitting)

Myrtle: It's a granny knot.

You can see more free skits like this at Whatsits Galore.

Three Kobolds in a Trench Coat

If you haven't heard this song by Chase Noseworthy, you are missing out. It's not often I can recommend someone else's work with absolutely no reservations, but I do so for this masterpiece.

New Skit -- The Dope Diamond Caper

Here's a new comedy skit available for purchase. When the famous Dope Diamond is stolen from the museum, it takes a trio of mismatched detectives to solve the case. Here's an excerpt:

CAST: 5-7 actors

COSTUMES: trenchcoat, old lady accessories

PROPS: phone, walker, bag of knitting, feather duster, stack of papers, business card, broom, flashlight, flag can be made with a paper triangle taped to a wooden dowel
You MUST have a fake gem large enough to be seen by the audience. Try a costume store.

Curator: Are you with the police?

Marble: Oh, my, no. I'm a private investigator. My name is Miss Marble.

Curator: Never heard of you.

Marble: But I've solved lots of cases.

Curator: Name one.

Marble: I found and successfully returned the Empire State Building.

Curator: But the Empire State Building is right across the street where it's always been.

Marble: You're welcome.

Celery: Sorry, Miss Marble, I'm already on the case.

Curator: He did get here first. This is Artichoke Queen.

Celery: Celery!

Curator: I knew it was some kind of vegetable.

First Image Leak of VW's Self-Driving Car

Thanks to Guns 'n' Bacon for this great meme.

Free Skit -- Trial and Error

There's sure to be disorder in the court when you perform this comical skit. Here is an excerpt:

Lawyer 1: (stands) I object! Those answers must be rehearsed. Nobody could be that dumb.

Minnie: I can, too!

Lawyer 2: I object! The prosecutor is calling me a liar!

Lawyer 1: Well, I object to your fashion sense!

Lawyer 2: Well, I object to your objection!

Judge: (bangs gavel) Enough!

Read the whole skit.

How Rankin/Bass Should've Done It -- a Rudolph Meme

Oh, Waiter! -- a Short Comedy Skit For Sale

A new skit for three actors (male or female) is now for sale at Skits 'n' Bits.

A harried waiter just can't please these two customers. Here is an excerpt:

2nd Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

2nd Customer: Why does this hamburger taste so bad?

Waiter: When I asked if you wanted it well done, you said no.

1st Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

1st Customer: I saw you! You put your thumb on my pork chop!

Waiter: Well, do you want it to fall on the floor again?

2nd Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

2nd Customer: This bread is stale.

Waiter: That's funny, it was okay last week.

Free Skit -- Can Do: A Wartime Rationing Tale

During the war, food rationing was a fact of life. Our story tells about a couple trying to make the best of it. Here's a sample:

She: The store was having a special today on cans without labels. Only ten cents a can!

He: Cans without labels? Who sells cans without labels?

She: Sometimes the labels fall off, and they can't sell them at the regular price. So they discount them. Isn't that great?

He: I guess it is. So, what are we having?

She: Well, that's the thing. I don't know yet. Without the labels, nobody knows what's in the cans. But whatever it is, it's dinner.

He: This I gotta see.

Read the whole skit.

World's Funniest Instruction Book

For Christmas I received a lovely LP storage case made by Victrola. I have nothing but praise for this item; it is excellent and very attractive. But the instruction booklet (yes, it came with instructions) has to be seen to be believed. First, a warning from the cover:

And now the contents:

Free Skit: Mom's Day Out

This is a quick skit you can perform for free. See what happens when Mom leaves the kids alone for a few days. Here is an excerpt:

Mom: What did you have? Something healthy, I hope.

Big Sis: We weren't that hungry, so I just made vegetables. We had potatoes.

Little Sis: She means potato chips.

Big Sis: And beans.

Little Sis: Jelly beans.

Big Sis: And corn.

Little Sis: Candy corn.

Mom: That's good. I want you to limit how much junk food you two eat.

Big Sis: I did limit the junk food.

Little Sis: Limited to the amount your stomach can hold without barfing.

Read the whole skit.

Free Skit -- Job Fair

A job fair is a great place to begin a new career. Except when three hopeful applicants are hopelessly without a clue. Here's an excerpt:

Gertrude: Let's start with some basic questions. Julianne, do you live in this town?

Julianne: Oh, yes.

Gertrude: Length of residence?

Julianne: About one acre.

Sue: And I live...

Gertrude: Wait, please.

Sue: A hundred and eight pounds.

Julianne: I can't believe you interrupted the interviewer!

Minnie: I can't believe you weigh a hundred and eight pounds!

Read the entire skit...

Funny Church Signs

All of these signs were absolutely genuine, posted outside various churches:

Free Skit -- Road Trip

As we enter vacation season, it's time for a Family Road Trip. Here's an excerpt:

Kid 2: I'm bored.

Mom: Already?

Kid 1: Hey, sis, let's arm wrestle.

Mom: Not in the car! Play something less violent, like Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kid 1: Okay. (Brandishes rock) Let me win or I'll clobber you.

Kid 2: (Brandishes sheet of paper) Nuh-uh, paper beats rock.

Kid 1: You can't hurt me with that wimpy piece of paper.

Kid 2: Oh, yeah? Ever get a paper cut? More...

Free Skit -- Handy Dandy Handymen

How hard can it be to fix a washing machine? You don't want to know. But if you do, here is an excerpt:

Mrs. H: What's the prognosis?

Mandy: Not good, I'm afraid. It is my sad duty to inform you that, in my professional opinion, this machine is unfixable. You'll have to buy a new toaster.

Mrs. H: Toaster?!? Is that what you think this is? It's a washer!

Candy: It is? Are you sure?

Mrs. H: Of course I'm sure!

Sandy: Well, that's different. I'm sure we can fix it.

Mrs, H: I thought you were professionals.

Mandy: We are! We've been in the handyman--

(Candy gives Mandy an elbow to the ribs)

Candy: Woman!

Mandy: ..handy-woman business for over 15 years! Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...it soon will be." More...

Free Skit -- Army of One

Here is an excerpt:

Krupki: What happened to 'buddy' and 'chum'? Dumbrowski: That was before I became an officer. You don't expect me to fraternize with the enlisted men, do you? Krupki: Well, I don't know. Dumbrowski: 'I don't know' what? Krupki: I don't know...beans? Dumbrowski: Sir! 'I don't know, Sir!' Krupki: I meant 'sir.' Um, sir.

More...

Free Skit -- The Help Desk

We've added a new free skit about the world's most helpful department store help desk. Here is an excerpt:

Customer 1 : Does this store have free wifi?

Help Desk: Yes, but you'll need the password.

Customer 1: So, what's the wifi password?

Help Desk: You have to make a purchase first.

Customer 1: Okay, okay, charge these socks to my credit card.

Help Desk: Done. Thank you very much.

Customer 1: Now what's the password.

Help Desk: You-have-to-make-a-purchase-first. All caps, no spaces. More...

Skit for Sale: The Fastest Draw

2 cowboys settle their differences in the traditional way, though with an unexpected twist in this comedy skit you can purchase. Here is an excerpt:

Second Cowboy: This here's Dodge City.

First Cowboy: That's a funny name. Why do you call it "Dodge"?

Second Cowboy: Because that's what you have to do, lessen you wanna get shot full of holes.

First Cowboy: Tough town, huh?

Second Cowboy: Tough!?! It's the toughest town in the territory. We spend every Saturday night down at the blacksmith's shooin' flies. Folks in other towns just let 'em go barefoot. What brings you to Dodge, stranger?

First Cowboy: I'm lookin' fer a cowboy named Deadeye Dick. Do you know Deadeye Dick?

Second Cowboy: I reckon I know Deadeye Dick. I am Deadeye Dick. Who're you, stranger?

First Cowboy: Name's Walleye Pike. I got a score to settle with you.

Second Cowboy: What's your beef? I've never seen you before in my life!

First Cowboy: But I heard you insulted my sister.

Second Cowboy: Who's your sister?

First Cowboy: Black-Eyed Susan. More...

New Skit: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Whatsits Galore has a new skit for sale about babies in the church nursery. Here is an excerpt:

Lulu: Why don't you tell us about yourself, Wanda? That'll get your mind off things. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Wanda: What are brothers and sisters?

Jojo: You know, other kids who live in your house.

Wanda: I don't have any of those, but I heard my Dad say that we're going to get another baby.

Lulu: Where are they getting it from? The stork?

Jojo: The stork only brings tiny babies. The heavy ones need a crane.

Wanda: I don't know where we're getting it from. Maybe K-Mart. That's where we got our TV.

Lulu: Yeah, they're probably having a blue light special on siblings.

Mimi: Boy, are you guys dumb! Everybody knows babies come from Babies R Us! Duh!

Lulu: Do you hope its a brother or a sister?

Wanda: I hope its a puppy. More...