Lawyer 1: (stands) I object! Those answers must be rehearsed. Nobody could be that dumb.
Minnie: I can, too!
Lawyer 2: I object! The prosecutor is calling me a liar!
Lawyer 1: Well, I object to your fashion sense!
Lawyer 2: Well, I object to your objection!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Enough!
Read the whole skit.
Gertrude: Let's start with some basic questions. Julianne, do you live in this town?
Julianne: Oh, yes.
Gertrude: Length of residence?
Julianne: About one acre.
Sue: And I live...
Gertrude: Wait, please.
Sue: A hundred and eight pounds.
Julianne: I can't believe you interrupted the interviewer!
Minnie: I can't believe you weigh a hundred and eight pounds!
Mrs. H: What's the prognosis?
Mandy: Not good, I'm afraid. It is my sad duty to inform you that, in my professional opinion, this machine is unfixable. You'll have to buy a new toaster.
Mrs. H: Toaster?!? Is that what you think this is? It's a washer!
Candy: It is? Are you sure?
Mrs. H: Of course I'm sure!
Sandy: Well, that's different. I'm sure we can fix it.
Mrs, H: I thought you were professionals.
Mandy: We are! We've been in the handyman--
(Candy gives Mandy an elbow to the ribs)
Candy: Woman!
Mandy: ..handy-woman business for over 15 years! Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...it soon will be." More...
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Krupki: What happened to 'buddy' and 'chum'?
Dumbrowski: That was before I became an officer. You don't expect me to fraternize with the enlisted men, do you? Krupki: Well, I don't know. Dumbrowski: 'I don't know' what? Krupki: I don't know...beans? Dumbrowski: Sir! 'I don't know, Sir!' Krupki: I meant 'sir.' Um, sir. |
Customer 1 : Does this store have free wifi?
Help Desk: Yes, but you'll need the password.
Customer 1: So, what's the wifi password?
Help Desk: You have to make a purchase first.
Customer 1: Okay, okay, charge these socks to my credit card.
Help Desk: Done. Thank you very much.
Customer 1: Now what's the password.
Help Desk: You-have-to-make-a-purchase-first. All caps, no spaces. More...
Second Cowboy: This here's Dodge City.
First Cowboy: That's a funny name. Why do you call it "Dodge"?
Second Cowboy: Because that's what you have to do, lessen you wanna get shot full of holes.
First Cowboy: Tough town, huh?
Second Cowboy: Tough!?! It's the toughest town in the territory. We spend every Saturday night down at the blacksmith's shooin' flies. Folks in other towns just let 'em go barefoot. What brings you to Dodge, stranger?
First Cowboy: I'm lookin' fer a cowboy named Deadeye Dick. Do you know Deadeye Dick?
Second Cowboy: I reckon I know Deadeye Dick. I am Deadeye Dick. Who're you, stranger?
First Cowboy: Name's Walleye Pike. I got a score to settle with you.
Second Cowboy: What's your beef? I've never seen you before in my life!
First Cowboy: But I heard you insulted my sister.
Second Cowboy: Who's your sister?
First Cowboy: Black-Eyed Susan. More...
Lulu: Why don't you tell us about yourself, Wanda? That'll get your mind off things. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Wanda: What are brothers and sisters?
Jojo: You know, other kids who live in your house.
Wanda: I don't have any of those, but I heard my Dad say that we're going to get another baby.
Lulu: Where are they getting it from? The stork?
Jojo: The stork only brings tiny babies. The heavy ones need a crane.
Wanda: I don't know where we're getting it from. Maybe K-Mart. That's where we got our TV.
Lulu: Yeah, they're probably having a blue light special on siblings.
Mimi: Boy, are you guys dumb! Everybody knows babies come from Babies R Us! Duh!
Lulu: Do you hope its a brother or a sister?
Wanda: I hope its a puppy. More...
Stu: Why don't you come to the gym with me as my guest.
Chuck: Sorry, but I'm known at the gym as the "before picture."
Stu: How about swimming? That's a real calorie-burner.
Chuck: I've never been swimming. It's never been more than half an hour since I've eaten.
Stu: You could always try calisthenics.
Chuck: Sorry, I can't, I hurt my sacroiliac.
Stu: When did you do that?
Chuck: Oh, a week back. More...
Scout: Excuse me, ma'am, let me help you.
(Scout takes Lady's arm and pulls Lady across stage)
Lady: What do you think you're doing?
Scout: I'm doing my good deed for the day. I just helped you across the street.
Lady: Yes, and made me miss my bus! I wasn't trying to cross the street! More...
We've added a new free skit. All you'll need are 2 actors, a toy gun, and some play money. Here is an excerpt:
Mugger Wait a minute--this dollar looks weird.
Victim Oh, yeah. It's play money. From a Monopoly set.
Mugger You gave me fake money?
Victim I hope you're not mad.
Mugger Well, I guess it's okay, since this is a phony gun. More...
Hiker #1: While you read the manual, I'm going to fill my canteen from that pond.
Hiker #2: Wait! Is that still water?
Hiker #1: I'll check. Yeah, it's still water all right. What else would it be?
Hiker #2: No, I mean still water. The handbook says that running water is safer than still water. Fill your canteen from the creek instead.
Hiker #1: Ooh, berries. I'm starving! We might not find any more food for a while. We'd better pick these.
Hiker #2: Stop! Don't you know some berries are deadly? We'd better check the guidebook to be sure. Hmmm...blueberries, strawberries, logan berries, crunch berries...aha! It says right here that red berries with green dots exhibit lethal levels of toxicity!
Hiker #1: That's okay, as long as they're not poison. More...
Narrator: While Polly and her father lamented their unenviable situation, in slithered Despicable Dan.
Dan: I'm here for the rent money, Farmer Greer.
Greer: I ain't got the money, Despicable Dan.
Dan: Then, I'll just have to take your farm.
Greer: Please, not my farm! It's all I have!
Dan: (to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn")
Gimme your farm, and I don't care.Gimme your farm, and I don't care.
Gimme your farm, and I don't care.
The payment's due today.
Charlie: I have a question to ask you.
Annabelle: A question? Is this a trick?
Charlie: Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. I really do have a very important question to ask.
Annabelle: You don't mean...the question?
(Charlie shows box)
Annabelle: Is that an engagement ring?
Charlie: It's in there. (hands her box)
Annabelle: (opens box) An actual diamond engagement ring!
Charlie: It's the real thing. More...
Viking: This is the year 997, and you're in Norway.
Scientist: No way!
Viking: That's right.
Scientist: Land of the Vikings! Looks like I overshot Spain by a few miles. And years.
Viking: Just who are you?
Scientist: Ima Crackpot.
Viking: And what's your name?
Scientist: Just call me Ima. And you are...?
Viking: My name is Erika the Red.
Scientist: But your hair's not red.
Viking: I was named after my eyes. More...
Reporter: I bet you're a better doctor than I am a reporter.
Doctor: Oh, yeah? I performed an appendectomy on a patient, and I left a sponge inside him by mistake.
Reporter: Does it cause him much pain?
Doctor: No, but he does get awful thirsty. Besides that, I had my license revoked.
Reporter: What happened?
Doctor: On the death certificate, where it said "Cause of Death," I signed my name.
Reporter: That's terrible.
Doctor: You're right. I'm a total failure. In fact, I'm thinking of jumping off this bridge with you.
Lewis: I just hope we don't run into any unfriendly Indians tonight.
Clark: I brought some blankets with a camouflage pattern. That should hide us.
Lewis: Good thinking! Where are they?
Clark: I laid them down, and now I can't find them.
Lewis: Okay, forget that. Let's just build a fire. Rub those 2 sticks together until you get a spark.
(Clark rubs sticks together)
Lewis: Would it go faster if I helped you?
Clark: It would go faster if I used the matches in my pocket.
Lewis: Well, use them, then!
Clark: They won't light. I don't understand it, I tested each one before we left. More...
Arabella: Getting up early is one thing, but did we have to come all the way out here to the wilderness?
Pearl: What wilderness? It's a five-minute walk back to the Seven-Eleven where I parked my car.
Dee Dee: Did you pick up some snacks while you were there? I forgot to eat breakfast.
Myrtle: Don't worry, many parts of a pine tree are edible.
Arabella: Well, I say it's primitive. I mean, look at this floor! It looks like its never been swept.
Pearl: It's dirt. We call it "the ground." Besides, I told you we'd be roughing it.
Arabella: Roughing it? What, the rest rooms aren't clean?
Dee Dee: Rest rooms? Honey, out here, the ladies' room is a Douglas fir.
Arabella: You don't mean...?
Dee Dee: That's right. Just take any tree that isn't occupied. More...
Falling Rocks: Everybody knows Falling Rocks, the toughest Indian in the west. Why, every few miles there's another sign: Beware Falling Rocks.
Joe: You're tough, Falling Rocks, but not as tough as your brother Deer Crossing. I just saw a sign that said Danger! Deer Crossing.
Falling Rocks: My whole family is tough. There's Winding Road, Slippery When Wet...
Sheriff: That's great, tough guy! Then you can help me fight Tombstone Tex!
Falling Rocks: No way, Jose! I'm tough, not crazy. Tombstone Tex is the most dangerous gunslinger in the territory!
Sheriff: I know. And he's comin' for me!
Joe: Calm down, Sheriff. Here. You might want this badge. It belonged to the last sheriff.
Sheriff: It's bent.
Joe: Yep, it stopped a bullet while the sheriff was wearing it.
Sheriff: Wow! It must've saved his life!
Joe: It would have, if it hadn't been for all those other bullets. More...
Doctor: Any other problems?
Patient: I can't stop my hands from shaking.
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: No, I spill most of it. But when I do drink a cup of coffee, I get a terrible pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the spoon out of the cup.
Patient: That doesn't sound very professional. Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Sure, come back tomorrow.
Patient: Can you cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Take these.
Patient: What are they? Sleeping pills?
Doctor: No, thumb tacks. Put them on the floor around your bed. That'll cure you. More...
Server: Any sides with that?
Customer: I guess so. What are my choices?
Server: We have Papa's Hot Poppers, Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks, or Hasty Tasties.
Customer: Huh?
Server: We have Papa's Hot Poppers, Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks...
Customer: I know what you said. But what are they?
Server: Papa's Hot Poppers are tangy little bites of yummy goodness. Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks are mini snack morsels, and Hasty Tasties are neat, sweet munchy treats.
Customer: I know less about them now than before your explanation. Are they food?
Server: Oh, yes.
Customer: Fine. I'll have the first one.
Server: Papa's Hot Poppers?
Customer: Whatever.
Server: Large or small?
Customer: Large.
Server: They only come in small.
Customer: Then give me two small.
Server: If it's too small, why do you want it?
More...
