New Door Mats

Even more awesome welcome mat designs. I wish I had more doors.

Come On a-My House Door Mat
by whatsitsgalore

Choose Your Own Adventure Door Mat: You See A Door Doormat
by whatsitsgalore

Role Player D20 Door Mat: You See A Door Doormat
by whatsitsgalore

Free Skit -- North vs. South

Need a short comedy skit for your next event? This little skit about what happens when you cross the Mason-Dixon Line requires only two actors and no props. Read the excerpt:

Waitress: Welcome to the Whistlin' Dixie Diner. Where y'all from?

Customer: What do you mean, all? There's only one of me.

Waitress: That's what I said: y'all. From outta town?

Customer: Yeah, I'm from Nepa (pronounced 'Nee-pa').

Waitress: Sorry, I never heard of there. Is that in Mississippi?

Customer: Nepa...it means northeast PA.

Waitress: Peeyay?

Customer: Pennsylvania.

Waitress: That's away up north, isn't it?

Customer: Yeah. Have you ever been up north?

Waitress: I shore have. I been to North Carolina. Whatch'all doin' down her in...seeky? That's southeast Kentucky. I made that up just now.

See the rest of the skit.

New Skit -- The Dope Diamond Caper

Here's a new comedy skit available for purchase. When the famous Dope Diamond is stolen from the museum, it takes a trio of mismatched detectives to solve the case. Here's an excerpt:

CAST: 5-7 actors

COSTUMES: trenchcoat, old lady accessories

PROPS: phone, walker, bag of knitting, feather duster, stack of papers, business card, broom, flashlight, flag can be made with a paper triangle taped to a wooden dowel
You MUST have a fake gem large enough to be seen by the audience. Try a costume store.

Curator: Are you with the police?

Marble: Oh, my, no. I'm a private investigator. My name is Miss Marble.

Curator: Never heard of you.

Marble: But I've solved lots of cases.

Curator: Name one.

Marble: I found and successfully returned the Empire State Building.

Curator: But the Empire State Building is right across the street where it's always been.

Marble: You're welcome.

Celery: Sorry, Miss Marble, I'm already on the case.

Curator: He did get here first. This is Artichoke Queen.

Celery: Celery!

Curator: I knew it was some kind of vegetable.

Free Skit -- Trial and Error

There's sure to be disorder in the court when you perform this comical skit. Here is an excerpt:

Lawyer 1: (stands) I object! Those answers must be rehearsed. Nobody could be that dumb.

Minnie: I can, too!

Lawyer 2: I object! The prosecutor is calling me a liar!

Lawyer 1: Well, I object to your fashion sense!

Lawyer 2: Well, I object to your objection!

Judge: (bangs gavel) Enough!

Read the whole skit.

Oh, Waiter! -- a Short Comedy Skit For Sale

A new skit for three actors (male or female) is now for sale at Skits 'n' Bits.

A harried waiter just can't please these two customers. Here is an excerpt:

2nd Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

2nd Customer: Why does this hamburger taste so bad?

Waiter: When I asked if you wanted it well done, you said no.

1st Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

1st Customer: I saw you! You put your thumb on my pork chop!

Waiter: Well, do you want it to fall on the floor again?

2nd Customer: Oh, Waiter.

(Waiter walks over)

2nd Customer: This bread is stale.

Waiter: That's funny, it was okay last week.

Free Skit -- Can Do: A Wartime Rationing Tale

During the war, food rationing was a fact of life. Our story tells about a couple trying to make the best of it. Here's a sample:

She: The store was having a special today on cans without labels. Only ten cents a can!

He: Cans without labels? Who sells cans without labels?

She: Sometimes the labels fall off, and they can't sell them at the regular price. So they discount them. Isn't that great?

He: I guess it is. So, what are we having?

She: Well, that's the thing. I don't know yet. Without the labels, nobody knows what's in the cans. But whatever it is, it's dinner.

He: This I gotta see.

Read the whole skit.

Disney Super-Heroes -- Glitterin' Goldie

There once was an online role-playing site where Disney characters were played as super-heroes and villains. Although Fantasmic Dreams is no more, I thought that the characters I'd created, along with some who never saw the light of day, should be preserved for posterity. Let's look at Glitterin' Goldie, who appeared in Duck Tales:

Real Name: Goldie O'Gilt

Alias: Gilded Lily

Age: Never ask a lady

Species: Duck

Sex: All woman

Nationality: Canadian

Alignment: Can't decide

Status: Semi-Retired

Physical Description: Goldie was a rare beauty in her day, and even as a senior citizen with her blonde curls turned gray, she can still glitter with the best of 'em. Her blue eyes, long lashes, and sultry voice all add to Goldie's allure, and her typical duck features -- white feathers, pear-shaped body, webbed feet, etc. -- are in very good condition for her age.

Appearance: Gilded Lily wears an off-the-shoulder gown with opera gloves and a white lily emblem. She loves gold, and typically dons a tiara, necklace, and bracelets as part of her costume.

Appearance (Outside of Costume): For practicality, Goldie favors buckskins or flannels. But whenever there are others around, she quickly gussies up in her finest silks and satins.

Abilities and Powers: Gilded Lily possesses the Golden Touch, the ability to turn whatever she touches with her hand(s) into gold. Unfortunately, it isn't true gold, only an unknown golden-colored metal with no real value, although similar in weight and consistency to actual gold.

Unlike the legendary King Midas, Goldie can control her power so as not to turn things to gold accidentally. She herself is immune to its effects.

One touch transforms an entire object, unless it is larger than her limit of one megahex (about nine feet in diameter). Thus, she could touch a car and turn it, lock, stock and upholstery, into gold. If she touched a Mac truck, however, only a section approximately equal to her limit would transform.

A living being so transformed would be unable to move, see, or speak, his clothes and all accessories turned into a golden statue. It may be possible for said victim to think, however.

Weaknesses: Her Golden Touch wears off in about an hour, returning the victim or object to normal. It has no effect on liquids or gasses.

Personally speaking, Goldie also has a weakness for--what else? Gold!

Accessories: She is rarely without a gun secreted somewhere on her person: a revolver down her corset, a derringer in her garter, etc.

Because she requires reading glasses, her mask contains magnifying lenses in the eyeholes.

Character Information (Personality & Motivation): Goldie's love of and desire for the finer things in life -- especially gold!-- led her at a young age to bend the law when it suited her needs. Living in the lawless frontier made it very easy to graduate to petty theft, then cheating at cards, then swindling, until she became a full-fledged criminal.

Goldie can be sweet as pie, but she has a hair-trigger temper that can result in pants full of buckshot for those unlucky enough to say the wrong thing. She has honed flirtation to a fine art at which she excells, and is not above vamping a foe to vanquish him.

Unlike Scrooge, Goldie is not a miser and spends money freely, having run through several fortunes in her lifetime.

Secret Origin:

Goldie O'Gilt was named for her golden curls. She developed a fascination for gold at an early age which grew into almost an obsession. She was only a teen when she began to cheat and steal in order to fuel that desire. Life on the Canadian frontier suited her well, as there were fewer lawmen to hamper her, and one often met prospecters with their pockets full of newly-dug ore. Goldie capitalized on her beauty and flirtatious ways as a torch singer, supplementing her income by swindling many a miner out of his fortune.

When she robbed a young Scot named Scrooge, however, Goldie picked on the wrong duck. He forced her to work his claim to pay him back, which led to a strong mutual attraction and a desire to go straight.

Since Scrooge left her over a misunderstanding, the Belle of the Yukon has hovered between right and wrong, never remaining in one camp for very long before 'reforming' once again.

While exploring deep in a mine, Goldie encountered a strange gas that had the unexpectd effect of granting her a super-power: the golden touch. If the objects she touched turned to actual gold, all would've been well. But, no, it was only fool's gold, not the thing to satisfy her gold fever. So Goldie used her touch to commit even bigger crimes, now in the guise of Gilded Lily. And when she made Canada too hot to hold her, she sneaked across the border into the US, eventually landing, by coincidence, she told herself, in Duckburg, where she both hopes and fears to reunite with Scrooge.

Will true love lead her to give up her life of crime? Or will Scrooge's gold become her next target? Only time will tell.

Free Skit: Mom's Day Out

This is a quick skit you can perform for free. See what happens when Mom leaves the kids alone for a few days. Here is an excerpt:

Mom: What did you have? Something healthy, I hope.

Big Sis: We weren't that hungry, so I just made vegetables. We had potatoes.

Little Sis: She means potato chips.

Big Sis: And beans.

Little Sis: Jelly beans.

Big Sis: And corn.

Little Sis: Candy corn.

Mom: That's good. I want you to limit how much junk food you two eat.

Big Sis: I did limit the junk food.

Little Sis: Limited to the amount your stomach can hold without barfing.

Read the whole skit.

Free Skit -- Job Fair

A job fair is a great place to begin a new career. Except when three hopeful applicants are hopelessly without a clue. Here's an excerpt:

Gertrude: Let's start with some basic questions. Julianne, do you live in this town?

Julianne: Oh, yes.

Gertrude: Length of residence?

Julianne: About one acre.

Sue: And I live...

Gertrude: Wait, please.

Sue: A hundred and eight pounds.

Julianne: I can't believe you interrupted the interviewer!

Minnie: I can't believe you weigh a hundred and eight pounds!

Read the entire skit...

Free Skit -- Road Trip

As we enter vacation season, it's time for a Family Road Trip. Here's an excerpt:

Kid 2: I'm bored.

Mom: Already?

Kid 1: Hey, sis, let's arm wrestle.

Mom: Not in the car! Play something less violent, like Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kid 1: Okay. (Brandishes rock) Let me win or I'll clobber you.

Kid 2: (Brandishes sheet of paper) Nuh-uh, paper beats rock.

Kid 1: You can't hurt me with that wimpy piece of paper.

Kid 2: Oh, yeah? Ever get a paper cut? More...

Free Skit -- Handy Dandy Handymen

How hard can it be to fix a washing machine? You don't want to know. But if you do, here is an excerpt:

Mrs. H: What's the prognosis?

Mandy: Not good, I'm afraid. It is my sad duty to inform you that, in my professional opinion, this machine is unfixable. You'll have to buy a new toaster.

Mrs. H: Toaster?!? Is that what you think this is? It's a washer!

Candy: It is? Are you sure?

Mrs. H: Of course I'm sure!

Sandy: Well, that's different. I'm sure we can fix it.

Mrs, H: I thought you were professionals.

Mandy: We are! We've been in the handyman--

(Candy gives Mandy an elbow to the ribs)

Candy: Woman!

Mandy: ..handy-woman business for over 15 years! Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...it soon will be." More...

Free Skit -- Army of One

Here is an excerpt:

Krupki: What happened to 'buddy' and 'chum'? Dumbrowski: That was before I became an officer. You don't expect me to fraternize with the enlisted men, do you? Krupki: Well, I don't know. Dumbrowski: 'I don't know' what? Krupki: I don't know...beans? Dumbrowski: Sir! 'I don't know, Sir!' Krupki: I meant 'sir.' Um, sir.

More...

Free Skit -- The Help Desk

We've added a new free skit about the world's most helpful department store help desk. Here is an excerpt:

Customer 1 : Does this store have free wifi?

Help Desk: Yes, but you'll need the password.

Customer 1: So, what's the wifi password?

Help Desk: You have to make a purchase first.

Customer 1: Okay, okay, charge these socks to my credit card.

Help Desk: Done. Thank you very much.

Customer 1: Now what's the password.

Help Desk: You-have-to-make-a-purchase-first. All caps, no spaces. More...

The Making of Disney's Villainous Board Game

As a great fan of this game and the proud owner of every expansion to date, I found this "making of" video fascinating.

Skit for Sale: The Fastest Draw

2 cowboys settle their differences in the traditional way, though with an unexpected twist in this comedy skit you can purchase. Here is an excerpt:

Second Cowboy: This here's Dodge City.

First Cowboy: That's a funny name. Why do you call it "Dodge"?

Second Cowboy: Because that's what you have to do, lessen you wanna get shot full of holes.

First Cowboy: Tough town, huh?

Second Cowboy: Tough!?! It's the toughest town in the territory. We spend every Saturday night down at the blacksmith's shooin' flies. Folks in other towns just let 'em go barefoot. What brings you to Dodge, stranger?

First Cowboy: I'm lookin' fer a cowboy named Deadeye Dick. Do you know Deadeye Dick?

Second Cowboy: I reckon I know Deadeye Dick. I am Deadeye Dick. Who're you, stranger?

First Cowboy: Name's Walleye Pike. I got a score to settle with you.

Second Cowboy: What's your beef? I've never seen you before in my life!

First Cowboy: But I heard you insulted my sister.

Second Cowboy: Who's your sister?

First Cowboy: Black-Eyed Susan. More...

New Skit: Out of the Mouths of Babes

Whatsits Galore has a new skit for sale about babies in the church nursery. Here is an excerpt:

Lulu: Why don't you tell us about yourself, Wanda? That'll get your mind off things. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Wanda: What are brothers and sisters?

Jojo: You know, other kids who live in your house.

Wanda: I don't have any of those, but I heard my Dad say that we're going to get another baby.

Lulu: Where are they getting it from? The stork?

Jojo: The stork only brings tiny babies. The heavy ones need a crane.

Wanda: I don't know where we're getting it from. Maybe K-Mart. That's where we got our TV.

Lulu: Yeah, they're probably having a blue light special on siblings.

Mimi: Boy, are you guys dumb! Everybody knows babies come from Babies R Us! Duh!

Lulu: Do you hope its a brother or a sister?

Wanda: I hope its a puppy. More...

Free Skit -- The Hold-Up

We've added a new free skit. All you'll need are 2 actors, a toy gun, and some play money. Here is an excerpt:

Mugger Wait a minute--this dollar looks weird.

Victim Oh, yeah. It's play money. From a Monopoly set.

Mugger You gave me fake money?

Victim I hope you're not mad.

Mugger Well, I guess it's okay, since this is a phony gun. More...

RP Posting 101

For anyone thinking about joining an online role-playing (RP) site, it is essential that your posts be a pleasure to read, not a chore. In order to help beginners on my own RP site, Worlds of Disney, I published a basic guide. Here is an excerpt:

A simple way to make your posts more readable is to avoid long paragraphs.

There's something about reading on a computer screen that shortens people's attention spans. They start to read a long paragraph, and then just zone out and begin to skim. I've even found myself doing it, and I am a voracious reader. For some reason, a paragraph that doesn't bother me in the least on paper is daunting in pixels. You don't want folks just skimming your text, right? Right. You want them to read the whole thing. My advice is to go back to any longish paragraphs and break them up with your ENTER key. It won't change the content of your writing, just make it more palatable to the reader.

Did you find yourself doing it with the above paragraph? Let's try reading the very same thing broken up a different way:

There's something about reading on a computer screen that shortens people's attention spans. They start to read a long paragraph, and then just zone out and begin to skim.

I've even found myself doing it, and I am a voracious reader. For some reason, a paragraph that doesn't bother me in the least on paper is daunting in pixels.

You don't want folks just skimming your text, right? Right. You want them to read the whole thing.

Read the entire article.

Free Skit -- Art For Pete's Sake

Your church or scout group can put on this short comedy skit for free. Here is an excerpt:

Patron 1: It's a black spot on a white canvas.

Patron 2: Oh, it's much more than that. It's the artist's way of expressing loneliness. The spot is very significant. It's a representation of himself looking out on a vast, empty world. It's really a scathing commentary on our impersonal society.

Patron 1: All that from just a black dot!

Janitor: Excuse me.

(Janitor wipes off spot with a rag)

Patron 1: That spot was significant, all right. More...

A Day at the Zoo--a Free Comedy Skit

In this free skit, you will get your chance to hear what those animals in the zoo are really thinking. Here is an excerpt:

Bear: Knock it off, you guys. Here come the tourists. The zoo is officially open, so bear that in mind.

Rabbit: Lame, Bosco, lame.

Bird: Looks like a good crowd today.

Wolf: What a bunch of yokels. Do they always stare like that?

Rabbit: Oh, sure. we're the main attraction. You'll get used to it.

Bear: Actually, it can be fun. After all, they don't have the slightest idea what we're saying. Hey, Mister! Your shirt is ugly!

Rabbit: You have spinach in your teeth!

Bird: How about that lady's hair? I used to have a nest that looked like that.More...