Here are some excerpts from actual church bulletins:

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Thursday night: Potluck supper – Prayer and medication to follow.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.